USA Today's look at what's news...

Five things, so you'll still have one hand free while counting them, perhaps.
In case you have to scratch, or something, or hit the flag key if the boss comes by...

Gay Weddings: 
Population control can be fun, so kiss me, Stupid! Is Gov. Chris Christie a homophobe? Can birds fly?

Obama to address Obamacare website problems:
"...My fellow American Website Problems,...."  This isn't rocket science! Talk to the guys at Google - seriously! - They've got more experience with high-traffic websites than anybody, because they practically invented them. So ask for some help, and start off by throwing out that ten-year-old technology. Instead of starting the next war, buy yourselves some decent computer equipment. Join the rest of us in the 21st Century, please!

Greece Mystery Girl:
Possession is nine-tenths of the law. It worked for the British Empire!

Bart strike continues, to the dismay of commuters:
Start early. Ride your Mountain Bike. Sing 'Climb Every Mountain' from The Sound of Music. Don't worry - Be happy.

Peyton Manning falls short:
It's only a game. Don't have a heart attack. 

Fires in Australia threaten Sydney:
Sounds like California all over again. There goes the pollution index...