Who writes this stuff? - Part One

The teaser reads: "Life expectancy in USA hits record high, new report says. Main causes of death unchanged."

1.) Heart Failure
2.) Lack of Oxygen
3.) Terminal Stupidity

And what are these fences for? Do they have a big problem with people in wheelchairs dashing across the sand to play in the water? Or are the fish in it swimming backwards to keep the mung out of their eyes?